The 2,000-Year-Old Quote That Changed How I Parent
One ancient idea changed how I respond to my strong-willed kid.
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I was recently going back through my list of notes and quotes that I collect when I come across ideas that I might want to write about. One really stuck with me. It was from the Stoicism newsletter that I got years ago, and it was a quote from Epictetus:
“Every event has two handles.”
It’s saying that every situation has two possible interpretations. He goes on to say, about the two handles,
“One by which it can be carried, and one by which it can’t. If your brother does you wrong, don’t grab it by his wronging, because this is then incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other - that he is your brother, that you were raised together and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.”
When we look at most situations in life, especially with parenting, isn’t this true? The handle that can carry our children is usually the one involving the most positive interpretation of their behavior.
The Story You Tell Yourself Forms Your Reaction
Depending on your mindset and the story you’re telling yourself about your child’s behavior really can influence how you react to them. One kind of silly example of this is the situation where your child spills orange juice in the morning as they’re getting ready. One interpretation or story you could grab onto is: this is just a silly accident, and laugh it off, help them clean up, and go on.
The other interpretation and story you can tell yourself is: my child is trying to make life difficult for me, or my child is never going to learn how to be responsible; they’re irresponsible or not careful with things. This interpretation that might encourage you to get very upset at them, or have a big lecture about the spilled orange juice.
This is something that I have thought a lot about in parenting my own kids. How we interpret what the situation really has so much to do with how we react to them. At the most basic level, our interpretation may come down to something about our past, how we were raised, or past experiences with our children. It’s helpful to have a moment of self-reflection when you find yourself reacting very strongly to your child’s behavior. Try to really consider the story you’re telling yourself about the situation.
Related reading: Want to Be a More a More Patient Parent? Start Here…
This interpretation can be reinforcing as well. If your child does a certain behavior that you find difficult, and you interpret it as a sign of a behavioral pattern or a personality trait that is difficult, then the next time they do that behavior, that might reinforce your story that you’re telling.
